So you think that someone you know is autistic? Maybe your wife’s interest borders on the line of obsessive or your husband’s routine is a bit too steadfast. Perhaps a friend’s child gets a bit too bogged down with details or a work colleague seems to take every comment a bit too literally.
It’s not uncommon for people to suspect that someone they know is on the spectrum. However, knowing exactly what to do with this suspicion is often a much rarer quality. So, with that in mind, today I want to discuss what to do if you think someone is autistic: including what to look out for, how to bring it up and why, even if it is a tough conversation to have, it is one which must be done anyway.
How Can You Tell if Someone is Autistic?
Contrary to popular belief, not everyone you meet is ‘a little bit autistic’, so before you go blurting out a potential diagnosis left, right and centre, it’s probably best to make sure you are well armed with the facts (and saying that someone resembles Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory is not a fact).
Unfortunately, ensuring that you have concrete evidence of someone’s autistic tendencies, before opening the discussion, is a lot easier said than done as, when it comes to autism diagnosis criteria, the word ‘vague’ is most often the first word that comes to mind. This isn’t because of how inconclusive autism examinations are though (in fact criteria for autism is, if anything, quite similar the world around), but it’s because so much of that criteria is up for interpretation.
Furthermore, while I could divulge every possible symptom of autism today, this would do a colossal disservice to anyone who could be a possible autist as, while everyone on the spectrum shares similar quirks, these quirks impact each of us differently which means following direct instruction could do more damage in the long run.
Instead, try to recognise character traits within the potential autistic person and make sure that those traits are consistent e.g. don’t say ‘she loves trains so she must be autistic’, but question whether that love is restrictive; getting used to making sense of the world or becoming obsessive to the point that any conversation which doesn’t revolve around trains seems pointless to them.
This also applies to the person’s interactions i.e. if they appear to not understand social cues, consider whether this is constant and without explanation – they could just be tired or perhaps maybe your cues aren’t as subtle as you think…. perhaps you’re autistic, what a twist!
How to Tell Someone that they Might be Autistic
They say that there is no time like the present. However, that isn’t always the case when it comes to telling someone that they might be autistic. As, unless the person in question is a child (below the age of 16) then the effects of their autism aren’t going anywhere. This is because autism is a lifelong condition and, while its effects can change, these transformations slow down significantly after puberty.
As such, when it comes to dropping the A-bomb, it’s best to take as much time as you need to make sure you’re in the best possible situation to start the conversation. This means it’s crucial to consider the following:
1. Who: Are you Really the Right Person for the Job?
I once had a person contact the site who was convinced that their friend’s, friend’s son was autistic and wanted to tell that friend, once removed, of their suspicion. This, however, was such a spectacularly bad idea, that finding a way to respond, other than by writing ‘nooooooo’ (with 100 lines of ‘O’) proved to be a tough task.
This is because of my firm belief that, unless you are an expert on autism or a VERY close acquaintance of that person, then it is not your place to pass comment (no matter how good your intentions are). Instead, I encouraged that person to share her thoughts with the mutual friend and let them handle it from there – something which I would also encourage anyone in a similar position to do.
2. What: Do you Have your Words Properly Prepared Beforehand?
While this point doesn’t take too much explaining, it is probably the most important one to remember. As, while having scientific facts and concrete evidence can make a huge difference in ensuring you don’t say the wrong thing, knowing what you are going to say will give you the crucial confidence that will make that person believe you and want to follow up with your idea.
Giving half-baked examples of someone’s behaviour and then following up with nothing more than ‘this is why I think you are autistic’ is only likely to result in you being ignored, or at worst, make you seem like a creep who has been monitoring someone far too closely for far too long.
3. Where: How Does the Person Perceive Autism?
Due to the reality of the interconnected world we now live in, autism diagnosis has become somewhat universal. However, while the way we certify autism is commonly shared worldwide, the way we treat autistic people is sadly not. This means that before telling someone that they might be autistic ponder on how they might react to such a statement – as the last thing you want to do is offend someone you are trying to help.
If you do believe someone might be insulted by such a suggestion, then it may be worth warming them up to the subject of autism first – try recommending some of the awesome autism books that are out there or promote a movie with has a good representation (I must admit that I am extremely fond of ‘The Accountant’ under these circumstances).
When the time feels right, it may be best to slide your suggestion into a conversation where autism has already been brought up (such as a chat about the film or book you recommended). While, yes, this will take much longer than openly suggesting it in the first place, this shouldn’t be seen as a deterrent because, as stated before, time is likely to be on your side.
[For more examples of great books with autistic themes, click here]
Why Tell Someone They Might be Autistic
So, given how complicated telling someone that they are autistic can be, you might now be wondering ‘why bother?’. It’s a fair question (if not slightly selfish) and the answer is, well, for so many different reasons.
For adults, a late diagnosis can mean that some of the many doors which were once sealed shut are now open to help and support that person. These include certain benefits from the government, reasonable support at work but, more to the point, a diagnosis can mean that a person who might have felt lost in themselves now has an explanation for why they do what they do and a greater understanding of their identity.
Children, on the other hand, also have many reasons why they should want to pursue a possible diagnosis as, discovering the condition early, can mean that, when at school, they will be open to life-changing support schemes which allow them to make the hardest years of life that bit easier. Additionally, an autism diagnosis can take a long, long time – so having someone step in as early as possible could make a huge difference as far as timing is concerned too.
So, with all this considered, whether you are the husband of the obsessive train lover, the wife of the eccentric organiser, the friend of the socially awkward chum or the colleague of the literal workaholic, I hope the words you have read today can support you in supporting someone else – as all it takes is one short (but tough) conversation and you could make permanent change to that person’s life – for the better.
Carry on the Conversation
Have you ever told someone that you think they might be autistic? Let me know how it went in the comment below! Or, if you’re autistic and want to open up about your condition to a friend, then why not check out my article on: How to tell a friend (and how not to tell a friend) that you are autistic?
As always, I can also be found on Twitter @AutismRevised and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.
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Thank you for reading and I will see you next Saturday for more thoughts from across the spectrum.
