Autistic & Unapologetic is nothing if not eclectic. We’ve covered sensory problems, gender inequality and even Elvis (yeah, that was a weird one). However, over the past 99 posts which I have personally written, there still remains one topic that has long gone uncovered: me!
Of course, this is a gap which needs to be filled asap and so, to celebrate my publishings becoming centenarian (yes, even I had to look up that word), I have spent the last 2 weeks collecting personal, professional and absolutely preposterous reader questions and, today, I plan to answer every single one for a special 100 article Q&A. Let’s go!
Personal Questions:
Where do you originally come from?
I currently live in London, after following my now fiancée down here for work. However, I was born and raised in Stockport, England (which we like to pretend is part of Manchester but is actually on the outside of it).
Although I’m sure you probably meant this question in a geographical sense, previously this question has been said in reference to my ethnicity. Which, if this is the case, then:
- I have heritage from England, Jamaica, Cuba and a bit of Irish in there somewhere
- Don’t be afraid to ask me this directly – it can’t be worst than the time when someone asked me ‘where do I get my rhythm from?’ in relation to my darker skin!
What did you find most challenging growing up?
Holding on to friends. I pretty much had one friend throughout all of primary school and, on multiple occasions, the parents of the kid told my mum that they didn’t want me around. These parents weren’t bad people by any stretch, but they were fed up with their son coming back with bruises – due to him being in my proximity when I entered my meltdown mode (which was daily).
Growing up with autism can be a super lonely time, which is strange because even though most of us love our own company, we hate the isolation that it brings. Thankfully, I had a big family and more than enough extra chances with this one friend and, eventually, I started to adjust and understand social context a bit better – which allowed me to learn more social formalities, which led to more friends, which led to more learning and so on and so on.
You can read all about how my life was growing up, in this letter which I sent to my past self (okay, that sounds weird but, trust me, it makes more sense once you’ve read it!).
Is there a point that autistic people like yourself reach where you’ve just had enough of the nonsensical assumptions you have to deal with? How are you able to step away for a respite? Where do you go — either physically or emotionally — to seek refuge?
When it comes to autism understanding, I think we are definitely moving towards a great place where, no matter how ridiculous a comment, assumption or proclamation, it mostly comes from a good place. As such, I don’t really get too exhausted by nonsensical assumptions anymore. This is something I have discussed in my ‘is everyone on the spectrum?’ article – so I would definitely check that out if you want to know more.
However, when it does come to the point where I just can’t take anymore, I really am an advocate of ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ so, when I was younger, I would usually talk away my worries with a family member or friend. Luckily, I am now in a wonderful position where any misinformation can be used as ammunition to create an article for the site so, I would now say that my sanctuary is in Microsoft Word with a coffee close by.
Is there something you wish your parents would have done differently for you, while you were growing up?
My parents COULD have bought me that limited edition Charizard Pokémon card, they COULD have let me stay to the end of Harry Potter when they realized it had got too late, they also COULD have let me sit upstairs at church instead of downstairs with the losers. But, do I wish they had done this or implemented any autism support techniques differently? No, not really.
I know my parents weren’t perfect in every single way (and what parent is?). However, I also know that raising an autistic child is tough (and I was particularly challenging). Of course there were things I wish they had done differently or implemented sooner but, the mistakes that we made were all part of the learning process and the achievements we have seen since are, in many ways, a direct result of bouncing back after every failure.
Has there ever been a post you have given up on before posting?
I have never given up on an article per se, but I have reworked many that I feel lack a certain Autistic & Unapologetic feel. Although, in nearly all these new posts the article you read and the one it started from are leagues apart, it is possible to see some mirroring in their structure and outline.
You may be interested to know that, before starting the site, I spent a whole year writing posts every week that have never been seen anywhere (and probably never will). These were to practice my style of writing and, while many aren’t great, some of the last ones I created are stored as backup posts in case something goes wrong (including a Rain Man review that I am particularly fond of).
What is your opinion of the autism community online?
In my mind there is an ideal that the autism community are all looking out for each other, helping everyone succeed and making sure that every voice gets heard but, while this is certainly the case with the people I try to surround myself with, it sadly isn’t the reality across the entire online spectrum – although, I will never stop trying to make it so.
Toxicity in the autism community online is something which really deserves an entire article of its own (and, believe me, I will get round to it one day). However, for now I whole heartedly recommend checking out some of the awesome autism youtubers who share many of my thoughts. In particular: Invisible I, Connor Ward & IndieAndy.
When you left school, what did you do before you went to University?
Being born in 1994 has meant a lot of things: I was around when the internet truly took off, I remember when a 99 ice cream actually cost 99p and, sadly, it also means that I was part of the first wave of students who were hit hard by the rising university tuition fees (in which the cost of university in the UK went from £3,000 a year to £9,000).
As such, before starting university I took a year out to ensure that whatever left me with a debt (which now equates to over £50,000) would be worth it. In that time, I worked two jobs in apparel sales and fell in love with how cyclical and structured the world of fashion and retail are. You can read all about this in a guest post I created for Quantum Leap. But, basically, it meant that when September 2013 rolled around, I was certain in my decision to study International Fashion Promotion at Manchester Metropolitan University.
What is your favourite part of living in London so far?
Although I haven’t exactly been quiet when discussing the challenges of being autistic and living in London, since moving to Streatham (in the south), I feel like I’m finally becoming attached to this big hub of concrete and this is almost entirely thanks *drumroll please*… my daily journey to work… yep, you read that right.
I know that sounds quite mondane, but due to the route I take and the time in which I leave (as early as possible), I get to enjoy an outstanding view of the city every morning, as I pass by London Bridge. I also LOVE that, as barely any one else is on the train, I get to enjoy the one hour journey almost entirely free from distruption and in utter serenity. This gives me a great opportunity to feng shui my day- whether that be with a book, a podcast or just my own thoughts.
What would be your dream job?
Growing up there was nothing I wanted more than to become a gondolier in Venice, singing to tourists and transporting them around the sinking city in a narrow boat. However, I can’t imagine I would have done very well that far away from my support network and, thankfully, this was a dream that died before my angelic child’s voice was replaced by the Yogi Bear Baritones which I now have.
After falling in love with Albstadt-Sigmaringen (in Germany) as part of a study-abroad program, my current dream job would be anything that allowed me to return to this valley paradise and live in peace and quiet. So, potential ideas include writing a book or unexpectedly falling into millions of pounds, which I could use to rehabilitate fellow budding gondoliers who had their dreams shattered when their voice broke.
Professional Questions:
I would like to know what type of humour do Aspergers/Autistic people prefer? As I think laughing is important for our well-being and I struggle to understand comedians.
I couldn’t agree more, there are few things as great as finding something that tickles you in the right way but equally there’s nothing as upsetting as being the only one in a room who doesn’t get a joke. While I don’t have this problem with comedians (although I know many people who do), I DO struggle with finding a ‘comedy’ movie that can even make me muster a smile.
With that said, I think humor is entirely subjective and based on the individual, so you shouldn’t worry if you ‘don’t get the joke’, just try out another medium or another genre of comedy all together. It took me years to realise that my go to happy place is books with hilariously dark undertones e.g. anything by Jeff Lindsey or Chuck Palaniuk – which is bizarre as I don’t think that reflects my personality in anyway.
My 11-year old Autistic daughter, Hollie, would like to ask what proportion of famous living people are Autistic?
No matter the field or the degree of success, the number of autistic celebs compared to those without the condition is near identical to general autism rates (somewhere around 1 in 100). The example I always give to prove this is how, of the top of my head, I can name 5 autistic actors:
- Daryl Hannah
- Paddy Considine
- Dan Aykroyd
- Talia Grant
- Sir Anthony Hopkins
but I would be hard-pressed to name 500 actors in general.
This same logic certainly applies to other fields (like music & sports) and it doesn’t include the likely countless number of celebs who wish to keep their diagnosis private. If you or Holly (or any reader) would like to learn more examples of autistic celebs, then check out fact #23 on my autism facts article.
Is it likely for an autistic person to have an autistic child?
Isn’t it strange how the moment something comes up once, you suddenly see it everywhere? This is what happened when I received this question last week as, since the discussion of genetic factors in autism appeared before me, I have since seen surveys and findings being posted everywhere – in fact, I even made this discussion the number 1 article in my July autism news roundup.
But, to stop babbling on about universal coincidences and to respond to what was actually asked of me, I will unfortunately have to give you the rather lack-lustre answer that: the chances of an autistic person having an autistic child are ‘medium’ to ‘high’ (although not certain).
This answer comes from a 2million strong survey which found that if you or a parent or a parent’s parent or a parent’s parent’s parent’s parent have/has autism then, yes, there is a solid 80% chance of carrying the gene on.
Best advice for self identifying but yet undiagnosed female adult trying to get her diagnosed kids help when everyone assumes she knows nothing about autism?
My advice? Be steadfast. Keep trying and don’t be afraid to challenge people who doubt you. Even the biggest experts in the autism biz will admit that they don’t know everything and it’s not uncommon for the pros to publish apologies stating that their assumptions were flat out wrong (I’m looking at you ‘extreme male brain’ believers).
Also, don’t forget that the autism test itself has radically changed multiple times in recent years and, it’s still widely accepted, that the one we currently have is borderline useless when it comes to accurately diagnosing females. As such, I would say that, when it comes to finding a diagnosis, don’t rely on the quality of one answer but look for as much evidence from as many experts as possible.
When can you review DEAR MISS LANDAU?
Okay, so for anyone who wants to learn about my book reviewing process, here goes.
I am ALWAYS reading and, due to self-imposed commitments, it’s more often the case that any book you find on me will in someway be relevant to the site. However, with that said, I always make sure that every autism book I read is followed up by something non-autism related to cleanse the palette.
This means that, in trying to read every autism book in a year for my end of year roundup (normally around 10) I wind up reading at least 20 books before December (and that’s not even counting the autism books I check out for my Facebook reviews).
Despite this, not every book receives a review in my autism in entertainment section, as this category isn’t just about literature, but also movies, TV and anything regarding representation. This means that I am limited by what receives a full review and, usually, only the big releases or an article which is sponsored will make the cut.
Nevertheless, I internally bank any autism book I really do love and always endeavor to find a link between these loves so that I can represent them in some way (which is usually a list article). Dear Miss Landau is certainly on my to read list but, when (and whether) it will be featured on the site, is anyone’s guess.
What gift would you buy for an autistic 5 year old boy?
When it comes to autistic gift buying, I have two extensive lists on just this question which you can check out here and here (and come November I have an alternative take on the gift list article which I am already prepping for).
My personal advice though, is to find that special interest which most autistic people have, and then find something which reflects that as, big or small, it will probably be a winner.
Do you need a guest author? Asking for myself.
In the past, all the guest articles which have appeared on Autistic & Unapologetic have been people I have gone to for expert advice or for subjects I simply don’t know enough about.
If you have something you think would work on the site – but think there is no way in hell I could do the topic justice, then shoot me an email and we can discuss it further (and don’t worry about insulting my expertise, I am very aware that I am not all knowing).
My brother is autistic and a teenager – He is very sensory sensitive to sounds and foods… do you have any tips on how we can help him stay clean? To see a dentist? And to eat?
Speaking of guest articles, I believe that my good pal Dr. Greg Grillo should be able to help you with finding answers to any sensory related dental problems and, regarding eating issues, I suggest checking out my in-depth article on just that (including a thorough discussion of my own problems in this area).
Hygiene is a question that you are not alone in asking about and it is something which I plan to write a whole article on at some point. However, in short, the problem is that as humans we aren’t phased by our own odour and, as such, you have to appeal to the logic behind poor hygiene instead of criticizing the brigade of flies which follow someone who smells.
Using social stories to explain the health dangers of not washing is a great start and, from there, establishing cleaning into a routine will make the whole process more regular and manageable.
I have a friend who is mod level functional, he is quite anti social, doesn’t want to go to group meetings with other autistics, eats only three things, has to be reminded to enter all his daily tasks on his Ipod (basic tasks like washing, brushing his teeth, eating). He spends an inordinate amount of time on the internet listening to music, he is 21 and I know he is capable of more. His Dad is is principal caretaker, his Mom is on denial about the autism (parents are divorced). How can I help his Dad help my friend push himself to get out and live a so called normal life?
Okay so there’s a lot to unload here but, firstly, I need to ask 2 questions of my own:
- Does your friend happen to be called ‘James Sinclair’?
- How did you manage to send this email from 2015?
Although, I can’t say that I have experienced the exact same issues your friend has with their parents, I do believe there is a striking resemblance between my life and your message. So, even though I understand your cause for concern, I truthfully think your friend is already fine – so long as they are doing the things they are being reminded of.
I get that it’s a bit of a bummer to see someone not achieve their full potential but, sometimes people (both autistic and not) are just as happy establishing a status quo which falls short of their full capability. I understand that this can be stressful for those around but, if listening to music and being on the internet is how he wants to spend his spare time, then I personally don’t see the harm of letting him do these things.
Regarding the mum’s denial though, I certainly think it’s worth assessing the situation before taking action as a lot of autism parents get unnecessary grief for getting upset over a diagnosis. Mourning is very much part of the autism acceptance journey and, if your friend’s mum is just learning of the diagnosis, I think they should be left to it. The worst thing you can do is make her feel bad about feeling bad, so just give her time and space and see how she is after the dust has settled.
Preposterous Questions (Quick Fire Round):
What sized Pikachu is your favourite sized Pikachu? Also with waistcoat or not?
Bigger is always better and while everyone loves a dapper pika I feel I have to go with no waistcoat.
Is cereal soup?
I want to say no, but I’m going to go with yes?
Do you think we will ever see each other again?
I have no idea who this is, but sure, why not!?
When are you gonna reply to my texts 😛
I currently have 108 unread texts and, when I do decide to catch up, I’m going to Drake it all the way and start from the bottom. So, when am I going to reply? Probably never – but you can always just call me 😊
If you had to choose between saving your Mum or your fiancée, who would you choose?
Without a doubt, this was probably the question which took me longest to answer… until I realized that either my mum or fiancée probably wrote it. In which case, I would save the one who didn’t put me in this situation and leave the other as punishment for creating this conundrum in the first place.
However, if this question was asked by someone entirely separate from my family then, after much consideration, I would probably save my mum because she is a wimp who faints at the slightest sign of danger while, Carolyn, on the otherhand, has more determination than anyone I have ever, or will ever meet, and she would probably fist fight the grim reaper if it meant she could return to yell at me for leaving her behind in the first place!
– That’s it? That’s it!! –
Carry on the Conversation:
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to submit a question today and thank you to everyone who has supported in me in getting to article 100. Autistic & Unapologetic is nothing without readers and it feels incredible to have you all on board as we pass this milestone.
If you have any additional questions you would like to ask, please post them in the comments or reply to this separate survey monkey. I’m not sure when I will get round to them, but I will definitely aim to do it sooner than this so that we don’t wind up with such a large article next time.
As always, I can also be found on Twitter @AutismRevised and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.
If you like what you have seen on the site today, then show your support by liking the Autistic & Unapologetic Facebook page. Also, don’t forget to sign up to the Autistic & Unapologetic newsletter (found on the sidebar on laptops and underneath if you are reading this via mobile) where I share weekly updates as well as a fascinating fact I have found throughout the week.
Thank you for reading and I will see you next Saturday for more thoughts from across the spectrum.
