It seems unnecessary that anyone should need to explain autism to grandparents, given how similar some of our traits seem to be. I mean, we both struggle with keeping our opinions to ourselves, we both have a distaste for anything new and we both feel uncomfortable in anything we haven’t worn for at least the last decade. Yet, often, grandparents and autistic grandchildren can struggle to see eye to eye.
This doesn’t have to be the case though, as with the correct explanation, our loved ones can be taught to understand autism with the same level of detail that they read the Radio Times. All it takes is some fine preparation on your end and a willingness to learn on theirs. All of which can be gained from this grandparents’ guide to autism (which covers explanations and how to offer direct/indirect autism support).
Explaining Autism to Grandparents:
First off, let me say that just because your loved one may come from a generation that still sees purpose in answerphones, this doesn’t mean they will be totally oblivious to all modern concepts, like the neurodiverse mind. In fact, in over half the cases where autism was suspected by someone who wasn’t a parent, it’s grandad or grandma who first spots something outside the norm.
Despite this, many elderly relatives may be naïve as to what that difference is, which is why most guides to explaining autism to grandparents will advise that it’s best to find an environment which is calm and then stick to the autism facts.
One example of this would be to clearly outline that autism is a condition which impacts how we relate to others and the world around. However, while this may seem like a great way to introduce grandparents to autism, my experience has somewhat shaped a different approach in that, while sticking to the facts clarifies autism, it might give a false view of the autistic person in question.
Instead, when explaining autism to grandparents, I would recommend 2 things:
1. Don’t Mention Autism:
No really, don’t mention autism. It may seem counter-productive but, when explaining someone’s autism to a grandparent, it’s best that you leave the genetics to those who it will make a difference to. Instead, focus on how the traits and the quirks of the condition feed into creating the identity of the one they will spend years feeding outdated biscuits to.
For example, try explaining what it feels like for the autistic person in social situations and why, if they react in unconventional ways, what the purpose and meaning behind the unconventional is. If the autistic person has restricted interests, try talking about their love of the topic and not the obsessive behaviours that lie behind it. What you’re trying to do is create an understanding of the person and not the entire spectrum – a perspective which is best kept positive and personal.
Of course, it should be said that I don’t really mean avoid using the word ‘autism’ at all costs, as it’s important that grandparents know that this isn’t a phase and it’s a very real thing. Nevertheless, to avoid the risk of confusing the person after the conversation, it’s probably worth sidelining the finer points for now.
2. Make It About Them:
When conducting any autism discussion of this kind, it’s important to address the O.A.P. in the room. Remember, the reason they’re here isn’t because they want to go off and study the spectrum at Havard, but because they probably just want to build a closer relationship with their grandchild.
As such, when discussing autism with a grandparent, let them know how it will directly affect them i.e. lack of eye contact isn’t always disinterest or that hugs might be out of the question (due to sensory processing issues). This will vary from person to person. However, it might help to set the expectation that this is going to be a new and exciting type of relationship, unlike any they’ve had before.
During these conversations, it’s not uncommon for the relative to ask the simple (yet incredibly vague) question of: ‘What can I do to help?’. Here are some ideas.
How Grandparents Can Directly Support Autistic People:
While the original discussion of autism with a grandparent should avoid speaking about autism in general, it’s important that, if a grandparent is going to take a more hands-on role, then the first thing they do is gain some spectrum perspective. In this instance, it’s time to up their autism understanding by:
- Encouraging outside reading
- Spending allotted time with the autist in question
- Joining online autism support groups (of which there are lots for grandparents)
- Taking part in local autism care courses.
This last option is something which I recently discovered my grandad did when I was younger where, reluctantly, he took part in a course hosted by the local CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). After the miracle that saw him actually participate, my grandad was reportedly enlightened by hearing the stories of others who took part and, additionally, he learnt that while I was ‘fine’ (as he rightly kept saying), there were certain right and wrong ways to treat my unique kind of ‘fine’.
Of course, this didn’t help in a way that meant we could regularly go skipping in the park with ice cream – as I was far too volatile for that (and Heaven forbid he did anything which he saw as ‘girly’ – like skipping). Yet it did mean that, during my most challenging times, he could give my family some respite and look after me for a while, whilst later in life he became a lifeline outside my house – and the location for where I would probably be found after running away, during a meltdown.
In this regard, a grandparent can be their most helpful when they accept that, despite the aeons of experience, there are still one or two things they don’t know and, after filling these gaps, they can be support, they can be safety, they can be a top grandparent.
How Grandparents Can Indirectly Support Autistic People:
As we all know too well, things don’t always go so smoothly within the world of autism. As such, a grandparent might find they are too vulnerable when near a meltdown or it might be that they just aren’t ‘getting’ it and, inadvertently making situations worse.
These discussions can be particularly difficult, especially if it’s the case that their best isn’t good enough. However, it should be mentioned that it takes a certain kind of bravery to step back and let someone else take control. This doesn’t mean they will lurk in the background forever though and, even so, there is plenty to do whilst they wait.
One example of this may be an offer to look after a non-autistic sibling who might be getting less attention, whilst parents are preoccupied, or it might be as simple as supporting with the financial challenges of autism – without making anyone bear the unease which comes from asking a parent for funds once you pass a certain age.
Moreover, make sure they don’t go AWOL during this time and encourage them to continue the journey of autism understanding (but also, for everyone’s sanity, let them know that you don’t want any backseat advice until they’re back on The A-Team).
At this time it’s worth reiterating that taking a break isn’t the same as throwing in the towel; it’s about understanding when and where you are likely to make the most difference and waiting for the opportunity to be tagged in. Let them know that, as autism is constantly changing during early development, this might be sooner rather than later, as long as they too are ready to adapt – after all, you really can teach an old dog new tricks.
Carry on the Conversation:
What’s your advice for helping grandparents support their autistic grandchildren and, if you yourself have an autistic grandchild, what are your experiences? Let me know in the comments below.
As always, I can be found on Twitter @AutismRevised and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.
If you like what you have seen on the site today, then show your support by liking the Autistic & Unapologetic Facebook page. Also, don’t forget to sign up to the Autistic & Unapologetic newsletter (found on the sidebar on laptops and underneath if you are reading this via mobile) where I share weekly updates as well as a fascinating fact I have found throughout the week.
Thank you for reading and I will see you next week for more thoughts from across the spectrum.
