There are many things which are unequivocally rude: Being let out on a busy road and not giving a nod of thanks: rude. Resting your sweaty feet over a theatre chair when someone is sitting in front of you: rude. Casually mentioning that someone’s newborn looks like a potato cross-bred with Gollum… yeah, speaking from experience, it’s probably best to not go there.
However, while in some cases it’s easy to identify what is and isn’t rude, autism can be a different kettle of fish. This is because, whilst autistic people are entirely capable of being purposefully impolite, there are also many aspects to our quirks which can be misconstrued in this way. As such, here are 10 examples where an autistic person might seem rude and how you can help.
1. We Don’t Listen
‘I’m sorry can you repeat that?’, ‘okay, now one more time?’, ‘uhuh, and what were we talking about again?’. Conversing with autistic people can, at times, feel like speaking to a brick wall. You may find that, no matter how many times you rephrase a sentence, it never seems to land and this can seem downright rude.
However, autistic people aren’t actually struggling with hearing your message, in fact, we probably heard you loud and clear. The problem is that our bodies also process everything else around us with the same level of importance. This means that a tree blowing in the wind, a dog barking far away and your voice might all sound a bit muffled and mixed together.
If this is the case, don’t just say ‘Never mind’ and walk away (this happens all the time and it sucks). Instead, try asking the autistic person if they would like to move somewhere with fewer distractions or maybe come back to the topic when things are a bit less busy. Raising your tone or being sharper isn’t likely to change anything other than making everyone feel worse.
2. We Seem Distrustful
Have you ever tried to plan a trip to the shops with an autistic person? The preparation we go into could put a Navy Seals squad to shame! Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop us double, triple and quadruple checking the arrangements from the day of the plan to the moment of the event and you may rightfully feel overly interrogated. Yet, in many cases, this has nothing to do with the person we are putting under the spotlight.
What’s really happening in these situations is that, as autistic people mostly work on certainties, we find the relaying of a perfect plan fulfilling, in a manner that is in equal parts pleasing and comforting. What’s more, I’ve always found that, if someone else tells me a plan, it seems more definite, and therefore even more satisfying (although I am often oblivious to how annoying the repetition is for others.)
In this instance, just knowing the reasoning behind the action is a solution but, if you really find the constant requests tedious, try stating with authority that ‘nothing has changed’ and that you’re ‘not going to bring it up again unless something does’. Tough love at its finest.
3. We Laugh at Inappropriate Moments
When I was at school, we use to have an annual sponsored silence in which students would raise funds on the anniversary of WWII. For the event, a guest speaker would be invited to discuss their experiences of living through one of the world’s bleakest times and, every year, I would start laughing uncontrollably. Inevitably I would be punished by teachers, but the look of disapproval from fellow students was far worse.
Since then, laughter in autistic people has come to be understood a bit better – with the prevailing theory suggesting that, as laughter is one of our most innate methods of communication (being one of the first expressions a human has before language), it could be that when autistic people are experiencing high emotions, our body immediately falls back on to this inherent response and gets the giggles.
Subsequently, to interfere with an autistic person during this time is to tell them to not feel at all and so, while it’s okay to move us to a more secluded environment, it’s not okay to scold us for reacting in a way which has been incorrectly perceived as rude. [read more about the of challenges of autistic emotional regulation here].
4. We Space Invade
Have you ever heard of the amygdala? It’s this almond-shaped lumpy mass which sits inside our cranium and it’s thought to be the reason we have emotions. Amongst other things, the amygdala is great for registering fear, when something isn’t quite right and it’s why, in most of us, we feel stress and unease when someone steps too close.
However, for autistic people, our minds don’t have such a clear-cut relationship with the amygdala and it’s why, whether we’ve known you for a minute or a decade, we aren’t afraid to space invade when we start a discussion. Of course, this doesn’t explain why we can get so close but, in my experience, our proximity is directly related to the passion we feel about the conversation (particularly when it’s a topic near and dear to us).
So, if an autistic person is a bit too close to your personal space, don’t be offended as, the only danger you’re at risk of is the boredom of having to hear the intricacies of a diplodocuses’ eating habits during the Kimmeridgian Age. Still, if you have something better to do (although it’s hard to imagine anything more riveting) try telling the autistic person you need some space – just remember to be tactful.
5. We Cancel Plans at the Last Minute
It’s always a bit of a gut punch when you’re all dolled up ready to head out and, suddenly, your partner in crime cancels. But, what’s more frustrating is when that person (who is almost certainly schedule obsessed) comes out with some lame excuse for why, i.e. ‘my car broke down whilst I was on the way to wash my hair and I suddenly came down with the flu as my dog ate my homework…’
In reality, the autistic person in question would probably prefer to have had all the above happened as, the truth is, they likely have been hit by a truck of anxiety. This has been the case for me on so many occasions (so much so that I missed my own surprise party) and, believe me, no matter how disappointed you are with us, we are likely to feel twice as bad about it ourselves.
So, if this happens to you, try and not pile onto our woes and maybe encourage us to open up about the thoughts holding us back. If we mention that we do want to go out, but are anxious about the unexpected, offer us a get out of jail free card by saying something like ‘We can leave whenever you want’ (and actually do). Furthermore, if the anxiety really is too much, why not move the evening plans to a lesser packed venue, such as someone’s home? Fun doesn’t always have to involve overpriced drinks.
6. We Seem Condescending
Okay, so this one isn’t half as bad as TV/Movie makes it out to be (where every autistic depiction is some snooty scientist who wants you to know they know it all). However, it’s not entirely inaccurate to say that autistic people can come across as a bit pompous or patronizing from time to time.
Known as ‘little professor syndrome’ (which, honestly, is way more patronizing than anything), this condescending behaviour is often misplaced passion and it comes as a result of autistic people knowing a lot about something and, subsequently, wanting to share every minute detail of it – even if it might be already obvious for the person we are speaking to.
If you see this as annoying/rude (and I wouldn’t blame you if you did), then it’s okay to gently let an autistic person know that you would like to talk about something else. However, the chances are this won’t stop us from continuing our monologue, as it brings us genuine joy to discuss topics like this (even if our audience isn’t sharing the feeling).
7. We’re Too Honest For Our Own Good
You would think that being truthful was something you would want to promote but, in the interest of sparing someone’s feelings, apparently, we’re expected to lie from time to time and, what’s more, if you don’t then you’re the jerk!
Known as a white lie, this is something many autistic people have struggled with, due to our literal way of thinking. However, recent studies into autistic people and lying have suggested that it’s not quite as simple as we won’t lie because we can’t. Instead, reports from Queen’s University have found that, when autistic people do speak out of turn, it’s because we see the make-believe as mean and often believe that it will be less upsetting, to tell the truth (no matter how harsh it may be).
Given the reasoning behind this, I think it would do more harm than good to try and change this behaviour in autistic people. So, if you ask us a question you don’t like the answer to, just remember that this is an opinion; an opinion which, though indisputable in our eyes, is not necessarily fact.
8. We Leave Conversations Abruptly
Like modern-day Houdinis, autistic people are prone to a disappearing act or two. However, unlike the magicians of the past, we’re not exactly subtle about it. This can sometimes be observed when we are smack bang in the middle of a conversation and then, once we’ve said our piece, abracadabra, we’re as good as gone.
In truth, conversations can be hard work for autistic people, as finding the meaning behind the amalgamation of expressions, words and tone is a long and tiring process. Conversely, We’re the ones that can get left behind in discussions and, with so much new information bombarding us, our automatic fight or flight kicks in and we’re outta there.
If you want to help an autistic person in these circumstances and ensure that we don’t prematurely vamoose, give us plenty of opportunities to ask for more information (in case we get lost) and, maybe, consider speaking more slowly (although not so slow that we get bored or feel like we’re being talked down to).
9. We Are Loud
Although autistic people are often cited as being introverted, it seems that our mouths didn’t get the memo, as many of us struggle with keeping a level volume. This can lead to many inappropriate moments in places like hospitals or museums where, despite silence being encouraged, we inadvertently make more noise than my Fiancée on mornings when I have told her I’m having a lie-in.
In many cases, this links back to the challenges we have with regulating our senses – as we may be unaware of how loud we are being (because everything sounds relatively on the same volume). Similarly, when gauging the sounds elsewhere, we might incorrectly believe that we need to speak out to be heard over the background – even if our voice is only competing with the sound of a librarian shuffling around a few rooms away.
This one is a toughie to manage as, if someone is like this once, they are likely to do it again (even during the same conversation). For this reason, just explain to us that we might need to be a tad quieter but do so with sensitivity and patience. I know this is something I do all too often and I’m always a bit embarrassed to realise everyone has been listening to me and my foghorn mouth.
10. We Don’t ALWAYS Follow The Rules
There are many rules in life which we have to learn that are never taught. For example, we say ‘thank you’ for a gift regardless of whether we like it, or asking if someone else wants the last slice of anything (no matter how much you want it yourself). The problem is, these subtle social guidelines are everywhere and, more often than not, autistic people break them without a second thought.
Obviously, it is not an autistic person’s intention to break these rules, it’s just that, as the autistic mind works on absolutes (favouring things that are certain over things that aren’t), it can be a challenge to understand many of these acts – wherein nearly all cases they go against how they would seem i.e. if someone asks ‘how are you?’ they don’t always actually want to hear how you are, they just want you to say ‘fine’ and then you can move on.
Nevertheless, whilst autistic people aren’t great at getting the message when the message hasn’t been made clear, we are incredible at memorizing what we are told and are brilliant at following instructions to the letter. Therefore, if there’s some kind of rule that an autistic person doesn’t seem to be following, just tell us. it’s not like we want to be naïve to this and, what’s more, if you know we struggle and aren’t doing anything about it, well that, my friend, is perhaps more rude than anything we do.
Carry on the Conversation:
What are some autism misconceptions which you would like to clarify? Let me know in the comments below. And, if you want to learn the truth behind autistic meltdowns, check out this article: Exploring Autism: What is an Autistic Meltdown?
As always, I can also be found on Twitter @AutismRevised and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.
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Thank you for reading and I will see you next week for more thoughts from across the spectrum.
