Autistic & Unapologetic has always been about ‘finding the positive’. Yet, the last time I sat down to write one of these reflective posts, there wasn’t a lot of positive to find. Protests and pandemics were a particular cause for this uncertainty and while, in the weeks that followed I tried my best to pick myself up, my online activity took a noticeable nosedive and then, last week, I disconnected entirely. 

So, where have I been?

First Stop: The Mirror World

In truth, I feel like I have spent the last two months in an alternative mirror world. However, and here’s the big twist, it seems the one we had back in June was the good place and this one is the bad.

That’s probably not the kind of trajectory you want to hear about but, due to how little things have changed (or simply got worse), it’s also the news that we can’t ignore. I have found that this is most evident in how, like June, we still have protests, but for some reason they are no longer about racial equality and, instead, people are fighting against being told to wear lifesaving PPE, as they feel a bit silly and uncomfortable in them (I despair).

So yes, the world has pretty much gone to hell in a handcart these last few weeks but, that’s not what I wanted to write about today because, despite being more worried than ever about well, everything, I’m actually in high spirits.

Second Stop: Redemption

I would like to say that I corrected my course straight after my previous post. However, the one constant about that message was that I didn’t want anything to change. As such, instead of seizing the moment and making the most of my new found self-understanding, it’s fair to say that I completely botched the opportunity and spent the last 2 months dragging my heels, with my hands clamped firmly over my ears, singing ‘la la la’ over the world’s noise.

Given that I am someone who thrives on information, it really shouldn’t have surprised me by how much this sent me spiraling and yet, in the days that followed, I found myself in the centre of a personal pity party and I was taken more aback than when I found out the dials on a toaster relate to time (and not levels of ‘toastiness’).

I became anxious. Then I detached. Then I became more anxious (and I’m sure you can see a pattern developing). Eventually, I became so anxious that, in my mind, the only solution was to shut off from the online altogether and with the newfound freedom I sat around from morning to night building websites which no one would see because, of course, I was offline. Then came the London heatwave.

As we all know very well, the sun is a big bully. So, after spending many weeks trying to avoid civilization, it only took a matter of hours before the largest star in our solar system kicked my behind out of my home and into a search for any kind of shade. However, it was during this search that I suddenly had a realization and it was exactly what I had needed for so long.

I realised that, when I had locked myself away from the world and its ever-pressing change, I hadn’t taken back control. I was being controlled and, even then, forces outside my grasp were guiding what small choices I thought I had. I decided that I wanted to feel that control myself and I wasted no time in devising a plan to get it.

Last Stop: The Future:

In recent days, I thought about all the things that have been bumming me out and, instead of high tailing it away (as I had been doing), I started to run towards them i.e. When I am down about all the racial inequality, I start shopping at and supporting BAME businesses. When I thought about the selfishness surrounding the pandemic, I reached out to local councils and shared autism and COVID articles. I basically stopped thinking about how little an impact I was having as an individual and I became content in the fact that I was having an impact at all. It felt great.

Of course, this isn’t a particularly difficult stance to trial but, good gosh, has it resolved my mopey mind. I feel like I have run the gauntlet but, in the end, I am being rewarded with the happiness I was struggling to find. While this post was a bit of a ramble and thought explosion, I hope that it encourages others to similarly learn to be kind to yourself and do more to be proactive.

As is often the case, this doesn’t have to be a change you channel on your own. The people around us can and often will support where possible but, as I have learnt with any self-development, the change has to start with you.

So, after all that is said and done, you might still be wondering ‘Where have I been?’ and the truth is that I have been taking the time to disconnect from the media turmoil and, in its place, I have been practising self-care to regain control of my contributions to what I desire the new normal to be. What this means for the future, I honestly have no clue, but what I do know is that, when it comes, I am more likely to be exactly where I need to be.

Carry on the Conversation:

Thank you to everyone for your patience whilst I have been busy making sense of my thoughts. Starting next week, the usual Autistic & Unapologetic post schedule will resume. However, if until then you need help making sense of your own change, then check out this article: Autism, Routine & Structure: How to Prepare for Expected & Unexpected Change.

As always, I can also be found on Twitter @AutismRevised and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.

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Thank you for reading and I will see you next week for more thoughts from across the spectrum.