Autism and eye contact or, should I say, lack of eye contact, is often rolled out as a correlation you need to know for spotting early signs of autism. For some, this has made eye contact a definitive tell-tale of being on the spectrum, while others view the relationship as somewhat of a symptom – something to be treated through therapy or counterbalanced by a coping technique.
As such, it’s safe to say that, when someone with autism can’t look directly at you, it’s not just because you have something on your face that is gross, grim or yucky (although you still might want to check). Instead, these differences exist because, when it comes to autistic people and our vision, there is often more at play here than might first meet the eye.
To better understand these differences, today, I will be discussing: the role eyes play in the autistic experience, how lack of eye contact can be improved in autistic people, as well as when lack of eye contact is and isn’t autism-related.
Autism and Eye Contact Explained:
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul, but have you ever considered just how true that is? When we get angry, we scrunch up our eyes, when we are shocked, we open our eyes, when we are infatuated our eyes are said to glow and, when we are really, really, in love, they change into the shape of hearts and beat in and out of their sockets (or at least they do in Tom and Jerry).
Now, this sounds like a lot given how many emotions someone can express during a single conversation. However, thanks to a fine mental balancing act, most people will be able to control all of this; as our brains (and stick with me here) contain excitatory and inhibitory neurotransmitters – which, respectfully, are the equivalent of supercharged gossip columnists; who want to spread information to everyone as fast as possible and the editors; who might feel that the story isn’t relevant and so don’t share it with readers (the readers being our neurons; brain cells responsible for storing information).
Of course, you 100% don’t have to get the ins and outs of this (which begs the question ‘Why did I spend an entire evening on Harvard’s YouTube channel learning about synapses?’). Nevertheless, what is important to know is that, according to research from Massachusetts General Hospital, this perfect balance is lost in autistic people, as the excitatory transmitters (the columnists that want to tell everyone everything immediately) way outnumber the inhibitory transmitters (the editors that access what information is relevant).
As such, our neurons are quickly inundated with unedited stories/information in a constant barrage of facts, figures and observations…
That.
Just.
Doesn’t.
Stop.
In my experience, this can make looking someone in the eyes bewildering – as parts of my brain are processing the information they don’t want or can’t understand, and I find I enter a daze which I need to physically move away from to escape.
In particular situations, some autistic people even state they are hurt by eye contact, which isn’t being ‘overdramatic’, considering the studies which have found that excitatory neurotransmitters acting without an inhibiting transmitter can result in very real pain – as though the columnist has bust free from the editor and magazine, have turned up at the reader’s home and now hold us in a headlock, writing their gossip in Sharpie, straight onto our foreheads (okay I think I’ve taken this metaphor as far as it will go).
Put simply, this means that eye contact isn’t something autistic people are choosing to shy away from (because, believe me, if we were shy we wouldn’t show up). Instead, it shows that when it comes to autism, eye contact is something that exploits a very real weakness in how our minds process information.
You would think that this means that autistic people shouldn’t have to make eye contact but, unfortunately, while in some lucky locales, like Cambodia, eye contact is discouraged, most cultures expect it and so we may need a little help.
Tips to Improve Eye Contact in Autism:
Have you managed to catch your breath after that information-heavy explanation? Okay, good, because right now I want to say something that is unquestionably the key takeaway of today, and that is that autistic people should NOT be forced to make eye contact under any circumstance…
…However, given that good eye contact can improve interactions by; evoking confidence, increasing trust and even making you seem more attractive, then the ability to lock eyes with someone isn’t exactly something that most autists should choose to write off right away.
As such, if you do find yourself in a position where you want to improve eye contact (or simply give the impression of it), consider these 8 tips:
Tip 1: Use Your Words
People don’t like it when you don’t make eye contact with them, because it’s often assumed that if you aren’t looking then you aren’t listening. It sounds simple, but finding another way to give evidence that you are paying attention is one way to remedy this. This can be done by occasionally repeating the last statement someone makes back to them or, if you don’t want to interrupt their flow, try punctuating a conversation by saying ‘mhmm’ or ‘ah’ or just nodding along like the Churchill Insurance dog.
Tip 2: Always Look Up
No one is going to judge you if you can’t make eye contact. Okay, so maybe they will as, by nature, humans are very judgemental creatures. Yet, that doesn’t have to be a negative thing so long as you give the right impression when your eyes opt to wander elsewhere. For example, choosing to look up and over someone is probably your best bet here as it can make you seem self-assured and positive, whilst looking to the sides can portray a lack of interest and looking down can make you seem nervous.
Tip 3: The Triangle Technique
According to experts, moving your gaze every 10 seconds from the edge of a speakers eye to the other side of their eye and then down to the mouth Is the optimum way to make eye contact: as it gives us just enough time to show interest without making things tense or uncomfortable. Additionally, for more professional meetings, looking at the forehead instead of the mouth is encouraged as this makes you look more insightful (apparently).
Tip 4: Pick a Focal Point
I’m not going to argue with the pioneers who created the triangle technique but, if like me you think this all sounds a bit overcomplicated, then it’s also just as acceptable (and successful) to pick a spot above the bridge of the speaker’s nose and hone in on that during a conversation – this gives the illusion of eye contact (without actually locking on) and it’s far less complicated than the mental acrobatics of counting 10 seconds, whilst narrowly avoiding the eyes with each focal adjustment (with that said though, be sure not to focus on an actual spot – as this will almost guarantee to make the person you’re speaking to feel uncomfortable).
Tip 4: Bring Gadgets
Fidget toys are an excellent way to push yourself through an awkward eye contact encounter, as they help distract your mind from over-focusing and registering every social cue someone puts out. These items can range from fidget cubes to stress balls and can subtly be stored in pockets for discrete sensory release – just remember, discretion is ideal here, as overt fidgeting in your pocket can also be perceived as nervousness (which would defeat the purpose of this eye avoidance tactic in the first place).
Tip 5: Get to Know Someone
I find It’s always easier to look someone in the eye when I’ve got to know them. I’m not sure why this is, but I am assuming my brain gets better at predicting intention, so doesn’t try to work as hard before it inevitably overloads. For this reason, many autistic people should try to have prior communication with an individual before meeting them in person i.e. through instant messaging or a phone call, whilst using social stories with the faces of people can also be a great way to support autists (bonus points if the pictures you use are expressive).
Tip 6: Let Your Hands Do the Talking
It’s common knowledge that in any magic act, a magician will use slight of hand to misdirect the audience from what they don’t want them to see. It’s a principle I use all the time when speaking to others as, if you can learn to be expressive with your hands, most people won’t even notice what you’re doing and where you’re looking with your eyes. Of course, there’s no right or wrong way to do this, but make sure you don’t move your hands too fast and ensure your movements follow the rhythm of your words. Oh, and don’t let your arms stretch into anyone’s personal space either.
Tip 7: Wear Sunglasses
Need I say more?
Tip 8: Be Patient and Give It Time
Whether you’re the autistic person or someone supporting them, it’s crucial to keep a marathon mindset when looking to improve autistic eye contact. Remember, you are essentially trying to rewrite a thought process here, so this isn’t something that will see results overnight. Furthermore, sometimes a small success might be as good as it’s going to get, but this doesn’t mean you should celebrate it any less. Try to keep positive and take things at a pace that is comfortable to the individual and know when it’s time to call it a day, if the ‘training’ is causing someone distress (after all, we aren’t improving our eye contact for our benefit, but for the benefit of those who believe that such a minor behaviour is crucial to communication – even though it’s really not).
When is a Lack of Eye Contact a Sign of Autism?
With all that said, some may now believe that lack of eye contact has a direct correlation with autism, and may subsequently think that a family member, friend or colleague needs to head straight to the diagnostician the moment their gaze strays. However, this is far from the reality.
In truth, many people struggle with eye contact on and off the spectrum, as they find the intensity of someone watching their every movement well, intense. This subsequently causes anxiety (in particular the ‘flight’ part of ‘the fight or flight response’) and their eyes tell them to get away from the thing which is currently filling our body with a kind of awkward adrenaline.
Unless you can read someone’s mind, knowing the difference between these different explanations can be complicated, and things only get messier when you consider that not all autistic people struggle with eye contact on a neurological level because either A) They don’t struggle with eye contact at all (yes, this is a possibility) or B) They also suffer from the same bouts of anxiety which can make eye contact hard for non-autistics.
Because of this, it’s important to never consider eye contact as a sole indicator of autism and, instead, use any of the great online resources to look for other more concrete signs of the spectrum.
Carry on the Conversation:
Do you have any tips to help autistic people improve (or fake) eye contact? Let me know in the comments below. And, if you would like to learn more about how autistic people process and register emotions, then why not check out this article titled: Autism and Emotion Recognition: What is INTEROCEPTION?
As always, I can also be found on Twitter @AutismRevised, on Instagram @autisticandunapologetic and via my email: AutisticandUnapologetic@gmail.com.
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Thank you for reading and I will see you next time for more thoughts from across the spectrum.
